"Preachin"

DATELINE: 12/12/2011
RE: "Preachin"


My wife's daddy was a school principal and they lived in a little small town up in the northwest corner of the state called Flintstone. Now Flintstone, Georgia ain't much of a town, and it is right across the state line from another little bitty town called St. Elmo, Tennessee, which is where her family went to services, at a little bitty one hundred year old church. These two little towns is so small that both of them together is about the same size as Nankipooh. 

Now her daddy being an educated man and all, fancied himself to know a bit about public speakin, him bein the school principal and all. It seems that the old preacher at the church they went to had a bad habit of not lookin at the congregation while he preached. Instead he usually stared at a patch of ceiling back behind them while he gave his sermon. Now after a few years of this, Pa, as I called my wife's daddy, got just about fed up with this, since the man's sermons were kinda borin anyhow. Now Pa was a man of action, so he decided that he would take that old preacher aside and teach him a little bit about talkin in public.

So one day after the service was over, Pa took the preacher aside and said "look here Reverend, I been standin up in front of folks and talkin for most of my life, and I know that it is important to look at people when you talk to them. It seems that you are always lookin up at the ceiling while you preach." Well that old preacher looked Pa straight in the eye, and said, "I don't look at the people cause I'm lookin up to God hopin that he will tell me the right thing to say." So Pa says, "Well God must not be lookin back very often, cause if you was lookin at the people while you preach, you would see that half of them are asleep every Sunday."

Now Pa and his family kept goin to the church afterwards, but you might say that him and that old preacher never quite saw eye to eye after that little talk. It got me to thinkin about how important it is to look someone in the eye when you are talkin to them. It helps folks believe that you are being honest with them. Course a professional politician knows how to look you in the eye and not even see you.


"Now, that's the way I see it, and you can tell'em I said so!"

Bascomb Biggers

"The Christmas Tree"

DATELINE: 12/01/2011
RE: "The Christmas Tree"


When I was a boy growin up on the old Biggers' farm in Nankipooh, we always cut a tree off of our land to use as a Christmas tree. Now we had lots of different trees to choose from, but we always had a cedar tree for our Christmas tree. One year when I was about fifteen, I had spotted a perfect tree up by the main road that was just the right shape and size, so I asked my Grandpa about cuttin it. He said no, since that he could see it from the house, he wanted it to stay there, and I should go further back in the woods behind the house and get one from back there.

Well a couple of days later I was huntin quail out in the little valley between the house and the main road with my old single shot, 16 gauge shotgun. Now I'll tell you that you have to be a pretty good shot if you want to eat quail when you hunt with a single shot, and no bird-dog. Well I ain't braggin, but I ate a lot of quail back in those days. About this time I happened to look up on the ridge where the main road was, and I saw a wagon pulled over and a man and a couple of kids standin next to that pretty little cedar tree that my Grandpa wouldn't let me cut.

I walked up there just about the time the man hit that tree the first lick with his ax. I said, "sure is a pretty tree ain't it?" Well the man was in his mid thirties, and his boys were about seven and nine. He says, "Yeah its mighty pretty, and we are goin to use it for our Christmas tree." Then I said, "reckon whose land this is?" and he says, "I don't know." About then, I pointed that old single shot 16 right at his belly and said, "Well this is our land, and since you done started cuttin, you might as well finish up, and we will be havin that tree for our Christmas, and then you and your young-uns can git and don't come back!"

Well that tree did make a mighty pretty tree for our Christmas, but Grandpa always was a little sad that he couldn't see it from the front porch, standin tall on the ridge up by the road.

Now folks, there is a lotta people in this old world that are willin to come and take what is yours, without sayin howdy do. We got plenty up there in DC that keeps takin more and more from us, and they don't seem to be able to stop. That's one reason that old Bascomb is runnin for President, because I aim to stop at least some of the takin, and I don't need my old single shot 16 gauge to do it.

"Now, that's the way I see it, and you can tell'em I said so!"

Bascomb Biggers

"The Supreme Court"

DATELINE: 11/16/2011
RE: "The Supreme Court"


I once had the chance to sit in on a hearin before the Supreme Court of the United States of America, and I learned quite a few things that I didn't know. First I learned that there are nine of them, but all of them ain't awake at the same time. There was one who slept through the whole thing (ain't mentionin no names, but some call him CT). The second thing that I learned was that they ain't always polite to the folks speakin to them, cause they keep interuptin with one question after another, sometimes before the one in front of them has even had a chance to answer the first question. Course, I don't mind them bein in-polite much, since the ones standin in front of them is lawyers, and I ain't got much use for lawyers at all.

Now back in 1911 there was a big case before the court involvin the big oil business.
It was Standard Oil vs. the United States. The Chief Justice was a man named Edward Douglass White. Mr. White was from Thibodaux, Louisiana and had been an officer in the Confederate Army during the Civil War, so he couldn't be all bad. He was Chief Justice from 1910 til 1921.
In those days we was all scared of the big corporations takin advantage of the citizens. (sound familiar?) Well the court ruled that Standard Oil could not have the whole U.S. oil business just for themselves., so they had to break up into smaller companies which still controlled more than 75% of the business. These days we got about four big companies controllin most of the oil business, along with about four big banks, and about four big stock market companies. These are of course, controlled by about four million lawyers, and what with most of the Supreme Court Justices bein lawyers themselves, you ain't got much of a chance if you ain't one yourself.

Now you realize that most of them Skunks (Republicans) and Polecats (Democrats) up in DC are lawyers don't you? When I was up in DC watchin the court, there was people scurrin around all over town, and I was wonderin to myself, "how many of them was lawyers?" Just imagine if all lawyers was banned from DC, how deserted would the place be? One thing is for sure, I bet we would get a lot of work done! Vote for Bascomb Biggers for President of these United States of America. I ain't no lawyer.


"Now, that's the way I see it, and you can tell'em I said so!"

Bascomb Biggers
BASCOM BIGGERS FOR PRESIDENT !
PLATFORM PLANK #9-Make Fried Catfish the National Dinner !

"The New Orleans"

DATELINE: 10/20/2011
RE: "The New Orleans"



My daddy used to talk about what a great man Mark Twain was, writin about the mighty Mississippi, and river boats, and all that stuff about Huckleberry Finn. Well it set me to thinkin about how all that got started, and here we are at the 200th anniversary of the first river boat down the Mississippi to New Orleans.

It is the 200th anniversary of the voyage of the steamboat New Orleans. The New Orleans left Pittsburgh, PA on October 20, 1811, and changed the course of the history of the United States as it cruised down the Ohio and Mississippi Rivers, arrivin in New Orleans, LA in January of 1812. Now that ain't a speed record which stands today, since it took more that twelve weeks for the trip, but it is the beginnin of a new era for this country.

Now I don't recollect any politicians being on board, but there probably was a few just for the headlines, and by the way, one of the owners of the boat was an ancestor of them Roosevelts. Now this was a big event and it set the tone for Mark Twain, and the importance of the mighty Mississippi to this country. Of course the government has been tryin to control the river ever since, just like it does everything else.

The government's control of the river ain't been too good after these last couple of centuries, what with there bein quite a number of floods, and a lot of loss of life and money along with it. If you ever wonder if the government would be any good in charge of anything else, just look at their record on the Mississippi river.

The two parties we got up in DC right now (Skunks and Polecats) is just the same as all the ones before them, they want to control everything from the Mississippi river to what kind of light bulbs you use in your house. I say its time for the government to git out of all the business that don't involve protectin the citizens and the borders, and makin the country safe for the people that pay them their wages.

"Now, that's the way I see it, and you can tell'em I said so!"

Bascomb Biggers

"Snakes"

DATELINE: 10/04/2011
RE: "Snakes"


Growin up in the woods around Nankipooh, you learn a thing or two about snakes. Now we got all kinds of snakes around here, and some of them might kill you, while others are just a little aggreavatin, and a few can help out every now and then. We got diamond back rattlers, timber rattlers, pigmy rattlers, cotton mouths, copperheads, and coral snakes. Grandpa Biggers used to say, "Only kill the ones that have got poison, but if you ain't sure, go ahead and kill em anyway." You can always tell your friends, which are the king snakes and the garter snakes.

The best thing to kill a snake with is a hoe, with a sharp blade and at least a six foot handle, so you can keep the snake out of strikin range. You also should not use the same hoe you use to fix hoe cakes with.

I once killed a chicken snake, which looks a little like a rattle snake, except for a round, instead of triangle lookin head. This one had a bluge behind his head and I wasn't sure, so I fetched my hoe and chopped off his head, but it turned out that the buldge was a big old toad he had just swallowed. Well the toad, he hopped out of that snake just as happy as could be, since he figured he was a gonner when he got swallowed. Of course the chicken snake didn't think much of my mistake, since he was dead.

Now you all know we got a bunch of varmits up in DC, belongin to either the Skunk or Polecat party, but we also got quite a few snakes up there too, and you can't always tell which ones got poison, and which ones ain't. Now skunks and polecats, and snakes will all get into the chicken coop and rob you of your eggs, so maybe its time to sharpen up that hoe and commence to choppin heads.

We got a whole bunch up there who don't want to do nothin except lay around all day eatin your eggs, and lie about whether they got poison or not. Now I ain't sayin they are all bad, just most of them, and they ain't doin nothin to solve this country's problems. Well old Bascomb ain't a polecat or a skunk, and he shore ain't a snake. Shoot, I hardly ever eat eggs, and I ain't got enough poison to kill a gnat! The one thing I do have is an honest reputation, and a will to be fair, and do the right thing. So Bascomb is bound to be better in DC than what you got up there right now, besides I need a payin job, and I am willin to work for half of what the Skunks and Polecats are gettin. After all friends, I ain't never lied to you, except for maybe right now.

"Now, that's the way I see it, and you can tell'em I said so!"

Bascomb Biggers

"Bascomb Takes a Stand"

DATELINE: 9/15/2011
RE: "Bascomb takes a Stand"


A lot of folks have been askin me where I stand on the issues, besides hatin all of the lyin Skunks and Polecats up in DC. Well there are three big issues facin the country today.
1. Immigration
2. Money
3. Jobs

Well first let me say that when it comes to our borders, that I believe we should have regular patrols to keep them folks from down in Columbus from sneakin in up here in Nankipooh. I also understand that there has been a few of them Roosevelt Liberals from over in Warm Springs comin over here to our barn dances.

When it comes to the broader issue, I ain't wantin none of them folks from Alabama or Tennessee comin around here neither. Now my kin folks came to Nankipooh from South Carolina a few hundred years ago, so I guess them folks are alright, but we don't want none of them yankees sneakin up here from Florida though.

Now when you start talkin about money, its a tough subject, since most of the folks around Nankipooh ain't got much of it. It seems like the government and the banks got most of the money, and they ain't spreadin it around too much. The big Federal Bank up in DC just keeps givin the littler banks money for free, and they use it to buy up mortgages and other banks. The 1st Nankipooh Bank wouldn't even lend old Bascomb any money to put more stock in the Nankipooh General Store. A bunch of folks around here is tradin with each other, since they ain't got no money, but I understand that the government is tryin to figure out how to put a tax on that too.

Maybe the best thing would be for us to print our own money down here in Nankipooh and not use none of them DC greenbacks. We ain't got none anyway. Course the Skunks and Polecats up in DC won't allow that either, since they are the only ones allowed to print money to pay bills, that they ain't got no money for. So I say let's do away with money and go back to usin gold and silver, or just tradin with one another.

Now the hardest thing is how to come up with some more jobs. Maybe the farmers could take on folks to help them, and teach them how to farm, and then after they have learned, they could give them a little strip of land of their own to farm. Old Bascomb is willin to take on a helper at the Nankipooh General Store and teach him how to be a store keeper in exchange for him runnin the soft drink department on a commission basis.

There is a lot of folks that ain't got a job cause they don't know how to do what people is payin for. Maybe the Mayor of Nankipooh could teach some folks about politics, since there seems to be a lot of work for politicians. It also seems that the government and the banks ought to be hirin since they got all the money. If folks don't work, they can't spend money or pay taxes, and that's what it takes to keep things runnin.

Now the one thing we all got to learn to get through hard times, is that you can't buy things that you ain't got no money for. If you are in debt, you can't borrow your way out of debt, just like you can't dig yourself out of a hole! That goes for folks in Nankipooh as well as the Skunks and Polecats up in DC!

"Now, that's the way I see it, and you can tell'em I said so!"

Bascomb Biggers

"Fish Tales"

DATELINE: 8/19/2011
RE: "Fish Tales"


I was fishin down at the mill pond with my old cajun buddy Beaudreaux the other day, and the fish weren't bitin much, so we started swappin yarns with one another about fishin trips. Now old Beaudreaux is a famous liar from way back, and he can even out lie most any Skunk or Polecat politician from up in DC, and that's sayin a lot!

Well I start out, and I say, "Beaudreaux you remember that big drought we had back in '95? Well it was so hot and dry back then, that one day I was fishin down at the creek, and when I finnaly caught a little scrawney catfish, he had three ticks on his back from being out of the water so much."

"Shoot, that ain't nothin," says Beaudreaux. "Last year me and my cousin Jimbo was out on the bayou doin some frog giggin late at night, and just as I had gigged a frog and was fetchin him into the boat, a big old channel cat jumped up and grabbed that frog and my gig, and made off with the whole lot. When he did, the kerosene lantern got tangled up in the mess, and he fetched it off with him too. Well we couldn't see nothin without no light, since there weren't no moon, so we went on back home."

"The next day me and old Jimbo went back down to the bayou to look for my frog gig, and we come up on the rope I had tied to it, layin in the water up against the bank. Well at least I got my gig back, I says, and I got ahold of that rope and you know what, when I pulled it out of the water there was my frog gig, with the frog still stuck on it, and holdin on to that frog was a twenty pound channel cat. Well looky here! I done got lucky, and I pulled that catfish up out of the water, and you know what? That lantern come up out of the water all tangled up in the rope with the gig! And, do you know what else? It had been so hot and dry that that lantern was still lit!"

Well I knew right then that there was no more use in swappin lies with Beaudreaux! That man could lie his way out of a Lion's den, with a story about a mouse, and an old shoe, but that's one for another day.

The fact is, them old Skunks and Polecats up in DC think they got the market cornered when it comes to lyin, and I got to admit they sure got a fair amount of the votin folks all caught up in their lies. But when it comes to tellin lies, they can't hold a candle to a good old Southern Boy, especially a Cajun!

Now I have done told you before, that you can trust old Bascomb, because I ain't never lied to you, except for maybe right now.



"Now, that's the way I see it, and you can tell'em I said so!"

Bascomb Biggers

"Borrowin Money"

 

DATELINE: 8/08/2011
RE: "Borrowin Money"


The other day I went down to the Nankipooh 1st Bank to see old Lem Barlow the head banker down there, about borrowin some extra money, to help get some more stock for the Nankipooh General Store. Now, I been doin business with old Lem for about forty years now, and him and me has always got along just fine.

Well this time Lem says, "Sorry Bascomb, the bank can't lend you any more money, since you already owe us almost half of what the store brings in every year." So I says, "So what, the boys up in DC just borrowed some more money for the government, and they are in about the same shape as me and the Nankipooh General Store." Well old Lem just leaned back in his chair and started laughin. You ain't the government, Bascomb, and besides you ain't got a printing press to print up more money to pay your bills with!" Now I did have a cousin one time, who had a money printin press, but the T-Men caught him, and now he lives in a big house in Atlanta over on Boulevard Ave.

It seems like these days there is a whole lot of things the government can do which they don't allow us to do. Such as runnin a gamblin business (Lottery), while we can't even run a legal poker game for money, out of our house. Now I don't want to run a poker house or print money, I just want a loan to help me run the Nankipooh General Store. Now, that ain't fixin to happen, you see my credit ratin has done gone down below AAA.

I hate to tell those rascals up in DC, but their ratin with me has done fell below triple F, and I don't feel much like givin them no more money.


"Now, that's the way I see it, and you can tell'em I said so!"

Bascomb Biggers

"Retirement"

DATELINE: 7/25/2011
RE: "Retirement"


I was sittin down at the Nankipooh General Store the other day playin checkers with my cousin Pete on one of those plus ninety degree Nankipooh summer days, when in comes my cousin Jimmy lookin just about whipped. Old Jimmy picked up a mason jar of sweet tea and downed it in just about one gulp. "What's up Jimmy?", I says. "My old mule Jenny just dropped dead in the traces while I was plowin out back of the house", he says. I guess it was time for her to "retire" he says.

Now that started me thinkin about retirement, which ain't that far off for old Bascomb. Of course that little dab of money I got saved up for retirement ain't much, and these days its worth less than it was, what with the Skunks and the Polecats spendin money they ain't got, and printin more to cover for it. The bank pays me less for my savins account than the rate of inflation, and yet the DC politicians keep givin the banks more money, and they keep gettin richer and richer. If they ain't got enough, the big Federal bank will loan them more at no interest. Lets see you borrow money and pay no interest!

They say there is more than one way to skin a cat, and I reckon that the Shunks and the Polecats got all the ways figured out, when it comes to the big guys gettin richer and the little guys gettin poorer. All they got to do is keep some of the folk's heads above water, so they can keep squeezin enough money out of them to keep themselves and the fat cats rollin. Of course sooner or later, you can't squeeze no more out of that turnip, but they can't see that far down the road. They just want to keep runnin up the debt till everything comes fallin down.

Now I ain't tryin to make you feel low, it just seems that old Bascomb and a lot of others ain't goin to find retirement till we fall dead behind the plow, just like old Jenny.  The only thing I know to do is keep throwin the Skunks and Polecats out of office, till we get a batch that will stop spendin money they ain't got!

"Now, that's the way I see it, and you can tell'em I said so!"
Bascomb Biggers

"100 Years Ago"

DATELINE: 7/18/2011
RE: "100 Years Ago"


In 1911 things was real different from what they are now, but a lotta things was pretty much the same. For instance, if you look at a couple of headlines from 1911, you see that folks was fightin over Libya just like they are today. Also in 1911 the U.S. Government was tryin to take some of the power away from the big oil companies, which they claim to have been doin for the last 100 years. Of course things got a lot better when Jimmy Carter was President about 35 years ago, and created the U. S. Department of Energy to study on how to reduce American dependence on foreign oil. That really worked!

Here is those Headlines.

1911 Tripolitan War -(9/28/11) The Italians declared war on Turkey in September. The Italians were interested in annexing Libya, the only available land in North Africa. All of the European powers opposed the action, but none were sufficiently motivated to take any action. The Italians expected the war to be brief, but it took them over a year to achieve victory against stiff opposition.

1911 Standard Oil Broken-(5/15/11) In the largest and most viable anti-trust case in American history to date, the Standard Oil Company of New Jersey was ordered to divest itself of its 37 interlocking firms. An appeal to the Supreme Court was turned down.

There you go, history keeps repeatin itself, and the DC politicians still say they are workin hard to make things better for us! What I don't understand is how so many of the voters keep gettin fooled over and over by the same old lies. It don't matter who is tellin the lies neither. It could have been the Whigs or the Tories, the Grangers or the Bull Moose, the Republicans or the Democrats, or the Skunks or the Polecats, its all the same manure, just a different spreader.

When the American Voter realizes that a politician's only fear is losin his office, then maybe we can start to get somewhere. That's why you need to vote for Bascomb Biggers. Why not? You been swallowin all that horse manure for more than 100 years, and the only thing that has changed, is that things keep gittin worse. Course, we could keep on waitin until there ain't no money left, and then the Skunks and the Polecats wouldn't want their jobs no more.

I don't promise nothin, except to try to help myself to an honest paycheck, for an honest day's wage, and look out for you where ever I can. Don't forget, I ain't never lied to you, except maybe, for right now.

"Now, that's the way I see it, and you can tell'em I said so!"

Bascomb Biggers

"Summer Politics"

DATELINE: 7/07/2011
RE: "Summer Politics"


It sure is hot down here in Nankipooh, what with the thermometer being ninety and above for about two months now. That and all the hot air being put out by all these politicians lying about what they are gonna do if you was to elect them. Of course the Republicans (Skunks) and the Democrats (Polecats) is raisin a big ruckus over the Presidential Election even though its more than a year and a half off. Its done got so hot down here with all this goin on, that the chickens are fryin their own eggs, and the bacon is sizzlin on the back of the hogs down by the trough!

Now of course the mayor of Nankipooh ain't runnin cause he got elected last year, but he sure is tryin to let on about how he ain't got nothin to do with the Polecat up in the big office up in DC. The local county commissioner is runnin this year though, you can always tell because he came by my Grandpa's store and asked Grandpa if he wanted a work gang to come by and grade the driveway. This happens every other year about six months before the election.

Now I hate to toot my own horn, but don't forget that old Bascomb has his hat in the ring for the big election a year and a half from now. The Polecats are stuck with a loser, and they know it too. Their only chance is to cloud up the air so much that you won't notice how sorry they are. Now the Skunks ain't got much to offer neither. They got about two dozen candidates, of which none of them got much support other than to get the Polecat out of office. About the best they can say is they won't raise taxes, and you know politicians always lie about that.

Meanwhile the economy is sinkin faster that Mama's Angel Food Cake in the stove, after cousin Al slammed the door last night when he come in with some fresh strawberries he had just picked. The number of folks out of work is still bigger than Grandma's bustle, and if you want a good job, you have to move to South Dakota and work for the government.

Now a vote for Bascomb Biggers won't change much of that, but it sure would make me feel better. I ain't had a good payin job in quite a spell, and you know that I will be honest with you, since I ain't never lied to you, except, of course, for right now. I do promise to do something about this heat though. I promise to turn off the Global Warming as soon as I am elected. It ought to be a little cooler in November anyway.

"Now, that's the way I see it, and you can tell'em I said so!"


Bascomb Biggers

"Hoote"

DATELINE: 6/27/2011
RE: "Hoote"


When I was about ten years old, my best friend was Primo, my five year old English Setter. We were pals and went everywhere together, but when I started fifth grade Primo would disappear from the house most every day while I was at school. One Saturday I decided I would follow him and find out where he was goin, so I hid from him for a little while, and when he thought I wasn't around, he took off through the woods. After about a mile, the trail he was on came out into a pasture in the back of an old ramshackle farm house with an old barn. Neither one had been painted in decades.

As I came up on the house, an old woman came out of the house with a female dog, and I saw the reason for Primo's visits. The old lady said her name was Hoote (now I ain't never seen a name like this before or since, but it sounds like Foot, only with an H), and Primo had been coming to visit her, and her dog Sally for several months, and she was glad to find out where he was from. She then told me that she was the second cousin of my Grandpa, and that made her my cousin too.

Now Hoote was one of the strangest people I had ever met. She had her dog, two milk cows, a mess of chickens, and more than twenty cats, but she didn't get along with people very well. The farm house looked as old as Hoote, and when we went inside for a glass of iced tea, I could hear the cats runnin around in between the walls of the house. Hoote did not have any mice in her house.

I spent most of that summer visitin Hoote and her family of animals. Hoote sold milk, butter, and eggs to folks in town, to get money for the store, and to pay her taxes. That summer I killed my first rabbit with Hoote's old shotgun. She also taught me to milk cows, and how to churn butter. She was my best friend that summer, and we spent a lot of time walkin through the woods with our dogs, and that old shotgun.

The next year I started playin baseball in the summer and I did not see as much of Hoote as I had, although Primo still kept goin over to see Hoote and Sally. My Grandpa sort of liked it better that way, as he thought Cousin Hoote was kinda crazy, livin by herself that way, with all those cats runnin around in the walls of that old house.

When I turned fifteen Hoote died, and left all of her money to the Methodist church. It was more that a million dollars.

I learned then, that people ain't always what they seem to be. Some are better than others, and some are worse than you think, and some have more, or less money than you think they do. Hoote did not like, nor trust politicians, and I learned to feel the same way. I still don't trust those rascals, especially the ones up in DC!   But, I did learn that you can trust somebody who works hard to take care of themselves, and don't brag too much about who they are, or what they got.

"Now, that's the way I see it, and you can tell'um I said so!"

Bascomb Biggers

"Turtle Soup"

DATELINE: 6/09/2011
RE: "Turtle Soup"


One Sunday we was all sittin around the dinner table, and Grandma Biggers was bringin out some homemade heaven from the kitchen. There was fried chicken and mashed potatoes, and collard greens, and black-eyed peas with ham hocks, freshed sliced tomatoes, and cat's paw biscuits. The last thing she brought out was a big old tureen of homemade soup, which she served to Grandpa first. We was all lappin it down and thought it was really great, when Grandpa said, Hon, bring me another bowl of that chicken soup."

Well Grandma knew that Grandpa would never eat any turtle no matter how it was fixed, and she knew that this was not chicken soup, but turtle soup. So she looked him right in the eye, and said, "Hon, this ain't chicken soup, its turtle soup, and I see that you liked it." Well the dinin room got real quite, and then Grandpa stood up and said, "Woman I told you never to cook turtle for me!" And with that he walked over and picked up that tureen, which had come from Grandma's mother, Great Grandma Pease, and he carried it to the open window and heaved that turtle soup, tureen and all, right out into the yard.  We never had any turtle to eat in our house ever again, and no one ever mentioned turtle soup or Great Grandma's soup tureen ever again either.

Now I learned a few things from that which I still think about today. First, no matter how much someone likes somethin, it might not make any difference, if it ain't what they think it is. Second, if someone you care about asks you not to do somethin, and you do it anyway, you might lose somethin precious. And third, I still ain't never eat any turtle in my whole life ever again, and I don't think I"m any worse off for it!

Some of them folks up in DC might just think a little bit, before they start offerin up somethin which ain't what you think it is. So watch out for some Skunk or Polecat tryin to get you to eat turtle, when they want you to think its chicken!

"Now, that's the way I see it, and you can tell'um I said so!"

Bascomb Biggers

"The Colonel and the Grey Ghost"

DATELINE: 5/09/2011
"The Colonel and the Grey Ghost"
I was sittin out on the back porch with my dog Buddyroe, watchin the squirrels chase one another as they always do in the spring, when I noticed a brand new crop of wrens flittin around in the bushes by the back fence. You can sure tell its spring, when all of the critters start producing their young. It reminded me of the spring of 1861 right before all Hell broke loose, and the country became engulfed by the violence of the Civil War.

Spring always seems so peaceful with new life bustin out all around, just like back in 1861. There were clouds of war, but you know how folks are, they never really expect something bad to happen until it does. Well that time was a true test of this country, just like times today seem to be. It does seem that when times get tough, someone always appears to lead us with strength. One of my favorites during the Civil War era was a man known as "The Grey Ghost".

The Grey Ghost (from Mosby biography)

"John S. Mosby was a successful attorney, and with the outbreak of the Civil War he enlisted in the 1st Virginia Cavalry. He quickly moved up through the ranks, and eventually raised his own partisan unit. At first a battalion, his prowess and charisma allowed him to recruit it up to a regiment. The regiment became known as the famed "Mosby Raiders".

John Mosby was a key innovator in the tactics of Guerilla warfare. By 1863 his exploits were becoming legendary in the South, and viewed as a less than honorable way to fight by the North. Regardless of perspective he devised a new way of fighting by which a small agile force could harass and defeat a much larger force. In lightning fast raids, his raiders would move in and cut telegraph lines, ambush couriers or small parties, start fires, harass rail transport, and then disappear into the night. His quickness and stealth led to his now famous nickname, "The Grey Ghost".

Mosby’s exploits included a daring raid far inside Union lines at the Fairfax County courthouse in 1863, where his raiders captured some key Union officers, including General Stoughton, whom Mosby found in bed, waking him with a slap to his rear. Upon being so roused, the general exclaimed, "Do you know who I am?" Mosby quickly replied, "Do you know Mosby, general?" "Yes! Have you got the rascal?" "No but he has got you!"

Now inventin new ways to fight has always been the American way, and we are good at it too. Just ask the Redcoats how they felt back in 1776 when they stood in a straight line while we blasted at them from behind rocks and trees! The same is true today, Americans don't sit down and quit, they find new ways to fight. Me and Buddyroe are sittin out here on the back porch, waitin to see who is gonna come along and show us the way, like the Grey Ghost did back in 1861. Of course we don't hold nothin against John Mosby just because he was a lawyer. It just goes to show that some of them are good for something other than suing folks and writin crazy laws!

"Now, that's the way I see it, and you can tell'um I said so!"

Bascomb Biggers

"The Catfish Hole"

DATELINE: 4/30/2011
"The Catfish Hole"


One day I was down at my catfish hole tryin to catch me some supper, and while I was fishin, I was dreamin up what I was havin for my supper. Fried catfish, fresh pole beans cooked with side-meat, sliced home grown tomatoes, grits and hoecakes. (Now some of you already know how I feel about hoecakes) I was fishin for supper, which is our evening meal, since we have our dinner at noon time.

Well this catfish hole had been in the Biggers family for several generations, and we took good care of it too. The hole was up against the deep side of the river bank where there is a big bend in the stream, with lots of tree roots stickin out in the water. Once a week we would go down to this catfish hole and toss in some cotton seed cakes and the water would just churn up with all those catfish gettin a free meal. This meant that just about any time we wanted some catfish for supper, all we had to do was wet a hook, cause there was always plenty of them around.

As I was waitin for one of those big cats to come up and suck up the chicken liver baited on my hook, I remembered the time my daddy caught one of those town folk down there at our hole, catchin our catfish. It was old Leroy Stubbs who had never had a job for more than three days, since about all he could hold onto was that old mason jug he had got from his daddy. When he saw Leroy, my daddy fetched him a lick upside his head with and old sweet gum branch. Leroy give out a holler, and said "what are you hittin me for, I was only fishin!"

Now Leroy knew this was our hole, and that we spent a lot of time, and a little money fattenin up those catfish for our skillet, but he saw the chance to take advantage of our work to fattenin up his own belly. This was not the first time we had ever caught someone goin after our catfish, and of course me and daddy knew it would not be the last either.

You know it seems that no matter how hard you work, there is always somebody, who does not want to work for what they get , but they want to live just as good as those who do work for what's theirs. The good old USA has got a lot of those folks, and you had better believe they vote for the "Skunks" and "Polecats" up in DC who are willin to give them some of your catfish, and maybe some of your silver dollars too!


"Now, that's the way I see it, and you can tell'um I said so!"

Bascomb Biggers

"HoeCake"

DATELINE: 4/12/2011
"HOECAKE"

The first time I heard the term "soul food" I had no idea what it was. Then one day I looked in the window of a soul food cafe, and when I saw the menu, I realized that I had been eatin " soul food" most all of my life. Old country folks cooking, like what I grew up on, included fried chicken, turnip greens, black-eyed peas and cornbread, and sometimes the cornbread was hoecakes. Hoecakes is about as southern, and about as country as you can get.

"Southern culture is the "cornerstone" of Southern cuisine. From this culture came one of the main staples of the Southern diet: corn, either ground into meal or limed with an alkaline salt to make hominy. Corn was used to make all kinds of dishes from the familiar cornbread and grits, to moonshine. Cornbread was popular during the Civil War because it was very cheap and could be made in many different sizes and forms. It could be made into high-rising, fluffy loaves or simply fried for a fast meal." Or, even made into Hoecakes.

"According to the Oxford English Dictionary, the term hoecake first occurs in 1745. The origin of the name is the method of preparation: field hands often cooked it on a shovel or hoe held to an open flame. Hoes designed for cotton fields were large and flat with a hole for the long handle to slide through; the blade would be removed and placed over a fire much like a griddle."

Now when I was a young man, there was another young man who lived near Nankipooh called "Hoecake". Now Hoecake was just about the meanest man I had ever known. Some say he got his nickname because he was tougher than a three day old hoecake.  At any rate I was scared to death of him, and with good cause. He had at one time cut off a man's nose with a knife for no good reason at all.

Well there was a time when old Hoecake set his eyes on me and said he was gonna whip me like I ain't never been whipped before. Well of course I was scared, and did not know what to do. I had an old 16 gauge shotgun, but it never occurred to me to shoot him, I just hid out every time I saw him coming. After a couple of months Hoecake found somebody else to be mad at, and he never bothered me again.

Now some may say I was a coward, but I knew I couldn't whip him, and I was not goin to shoot him, so the best plan seemed to be, not to be around where ever he was. It seems like there is a lot of folks who would rather shoot than wait it out, but I don't think that's a very good policy, even for a country to follow. By the way, last time I heard of Hoecake, he was in federal prison for bank robbery.

"Now, that's the way I see it, and you can tell'um I said so!"

Bascomb Biggers

"Birds of Prey"

DATELINE: 3/29/2011
"BIRDS OF PREY"

The symbol for this great country has always been the American Bald Eagle. Everybody was for it back in the early days, except maybe for old Ben Franklin, who wanted it to be the American Wild Turkey. Well I was fishin down in the salt water for speckled trout some time back, and I saw something that made me kinda re-consider old Ben's point of view.

While I was fishin for those trout, I saw an Osprey (fish eagle) dive down into the water and snatch up a trout with his talons and start headin back to the nest with it. About this time here comes a bald eagle bearin down on that osprey, and before you can say excuse me, he has hit that osprey right in the back. Well the osprey drops that fish and turns upside down in mid air to turn its talons toward the eagle, but its too late. The eagle headed straight for the dropped fish, snatched it up, and was flyin back home before you knew what was happenin.

Now osprey only eat and feed their young the fresh fish which they catch themselves, while an eagle will eat most anything, and likes to rob the osprey of their catch. Which is the more noble bird?

It seems like the American Eagle up in DC has been robbin a lot of folks in this country of their hard earned catch, and not only feedin their young, but a lot of other folks who ain't earned nothin for themselves. It has done got to the point where this old osprey can't catch enough fish for me and all of them too!

I believe that old Ben realized that the Wild Turkey takes care of themselves and their own too. Maybe its time to send a Turkey (or an osprey) to DC, and Bascomb is ready to go.

"Now, that's the way I see it, and you can tell'um I said so!"

Bascomb Biggers

"Lawyers"

DATELINE: 3/05/2011
"LAWYERS"

I was thinking the other day that maybe it was time for old Bascomb to make out a will, being that I probably don't have as many days ahead of me as I do behind me. Well even a good old southern boy knows that you can't beat a Jewish lawyer when it comes to messin with this dad-gummed legal system, we got goin in this country today. So I contacted the best firm in Nankipooh:
Travice and Leecar
Counselors at Law
#9 Main Street
Nankipooh, Georgia
Now I have known both of these fellers for nigh onto forty years, so I figured I could trust them to do right by me. Well first off I had to take one of them out to lunch just to set up a time to start makin out the will. Then the appointment time kept changin for the next couple of months, until finally three months later I had a chance to sit down in the office and discuss the will, which I had ended up havin to write myself.

Well they called in a bunch of folks to testify that it was in fact my will, and I of course had to pay for their lunch as well. Then they told me that when they had finished every thing, they would sent me a copy of the will to keep at home. When I did get the copy, I found out that a bunch of pages had all been scrambled up, and some of the heirs were different than what I had said to begin with. The only part that was right was the one about Travice and Leecar being in charge of my estate, and them gettin some of the money.

They promised that they would fix everything, and send a good copy of the will to me in a few days. Well its been several months now and I ain't heard nothing else from them about it. I got to thinking about the way the government and all these lawyers are runnin things these days and I decided that I just ain't gonna die, cause its just too dad-gummed complicated.


"Now, that's the way I see it, and you can tell'um I said so!"

Bascomb Biggers

Field Hand

DATELINE: FEBRUARY 21, 2011
"FIELD HAND"

Back when I was farmin in a big way, I used to have a field hand working for me by the name of Joseph Barnes. Now Joseph was a good worker on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday, but he was pretty much no a count for the other days of the week.

You see, Old Joe liked to start his weekend on Thursday night, which made it hard to get to work on Friday or Saturday, and of course we don't work on the Lord's day, and then Monday it took all day to recover from the the previous three days. Old Joe liked to hit the jug pretty hard, and only drawin wages three days a week, he just couldn't seem to get ahead.

Now just about every other week, Old Joe would come to me and say, "Boss Man, I ain't gonna have enough money for the rent and the groceries, so I was wonderin if you could let me have a little advance, so I can catch back up". Well, after working for me for twenty years, Old Joe was so far in debt that he could work the rest of his life and never get out of debt, even if he was to work six days a week, which we both knowed he wasn't gonna do.

By this time I knew that Joe's son Tom was gonna be just like his Daddy, and was already borrowin money from me too. Well after awhile, havin these folks all owein me money, it started gettin hard for me to pay all of my bills, and finally I had to give up farmin all together, cause I just couldn't make enough money to pay the bills for all of us.

Now we got some folks up there in Washington DC who are a lot like Old Joe, they figure that they can keep gettin money from the Boss Man, and that well ain't never gonna run dry, until one day they look up, and China owns the farm, and they ain't got a job no more. You can't dig out of a hole, and you can't borrow your way out of debt!

There is three things that are important to a politician. First they got to get elected. Second they got to get all the money they can from the taxpayers, and third they got to get re-elected. Nothin else is really important to them. Once you understand that, then you also know that they know how to spend, but they don't know how not to.

"Now, that's the way I see it, and you can tell'um I said so!"

Bascomb Biggers
February 21, 2011

BASCOMB BIGGERS FOR PRESIDENT
PLATFORM PLANK # 9 - "Make Fried Catfish the National Dinner"

"Campaign Platform"

DATELINE February 14, 2011:
"Campaign Platform"

BASCOMB'S CAMPAIGN PLATFORM

1. REDUCE ALL FEDERAL TAXES BY 20%
2. REDUCE ALL FEDERAL SPENDING BY 40%
3. MAKE A BALANCED FEDERAL BUDGET THE LAW
4. PLACE TERM LIMITATATIONS ON ALL CONGRESSMEN
5. REDUCE PRESIDENTIAL AND CONGRESSIONAL SALARIES BY 50%
6. SEAL ALL U.S. BORDERS (NORTH, SOUTH, EAST AND WEST)
7. DEPORT ALL ILLEGAL ALIENS
8. MAKE ENGLISH THE OFFICIAL LANGUAGE OF THE U.S.
9. MAKE FRIED CATFISH THE OFFICIAL NATIONAL DINNER

"Don't forget, I ain't never lied to you, except for maybe, right now."

"Now that's the way I see it, and you can tell-em I said so".

Bascomb Biggers
February 14, 2011

"Don't get caught with your britches down!"

DATELINE: JANUARY 5, 2011

Don't get caught with your britches down!

One hot summer day me and some of my twelve year old buddies was playing hookie from our work on my daddy's farm, and was down at the Alexander's cow pond doing some skinny-dippin. Well we was havin a grand old time until Mr. Alexander's seventeen year old daughter rode up on her horse and ordered us to get out of that swimmin hole, and off of their land!

Well we didn't know what to do since we didn't have a stitch on, and we weren't about to stand naked in front of that girl, so we just stood there in that water above our waist. Well she just sat there on that horse, and keep tellin us we had to get out of there and go home. Finally after about a half hour, she got tired and rode off, and we grabbed our clothes and high tailed it out of there!

Now it seems to me that both the Polecats, and the Skunks, have been standin around Washington up to their waist in muddy water with their britches down, and don't know how to get out of the fix they are in. One way would be to stand naked in front of the country and let everybody see them for what they are. Which in my opinion is nothing better than a bunch of lying skunks and polecats, who really ain't interested in anything other than gettin re-elected and grabbin all the money and power they can get their hands on.

Of course if they had to stand naked in front of the country, they wouldn't have any place to hide that money they been grabbin at. I say make them stand up for what they are, or throw them all out office at the next election, and let another bunch get caught with their britches down!

Now that's the way I see it, and you can tell-em I said so!

Bascomb Biggers
January 5, 2011