"The Christmas Tree"

DATELINE: 12/01/2011
RE: "The Christmas Tree"


When I was a boy growin up on the old Biggers' farm in Nankipooh, we always cut a tree off of our land to use as a Christmas tree. Now we had lots of different trees to choose from, but we always had a cedar tree for our Christmas tree. One year when I was about fifteen, I had spotted a perfect tree up by the main road that was just the right shape and size, so I asked my Grandpa about cuttin it. He said no, since that he could see it from the house, he wanted it to stay there, and I should go further back in the woods behind the house and get one from back there.

Well a couple of days later I was huntin quail out in the little valley between the house and the main road with my old single shot, 16 gauge shotgun. Now I'll tell you that you have to be a pretty good shot if you want to eat quail when you hunt with a single shot, and no bird-dog. Well I ain't braggin, but I ate a lot of quail back in those days. About this time I happened to look up on the ridge where the main road was, and I saw a wagon pulled over and a man and a couple of kids standin next to that pretty little cedar tree that my Grandpa wouldn't let me cut.

I walked up there just about the time the man hit that tree the first lick with his ax. I said, "sure is a pretty tree ain't it?" Well the man was in his mid thirties, and his boys were about seven and nine. He says, "Yeah its mighty pretty, and we are goin to use it for our Christmas tree." Then I said, "reckon whose land this is?" and he says, "I don't know." About then, I pointed that old single shot 16 right at his belly and said, "Well this is our land, and since you done started cuttin, you might as well finish up, and we will be havin that tree for our Christmas, and then you and your young-uns can git and don't come back!"

Well that tree did make a mighty pretty tree for our Christmas, but Grandpa always was a little sad that he couldn't see it from the front porch, standin tall on the ridge up by the road.

Now folks, there is a lotta people in this old world that are willin to come and take what is yours, without sayin howdy do. We got plenty up there in DC that keeps takin more and more from us, and they don't seem to be able to stop. That's one reason that old Bascomb is runnin for President, because I aim to stop at least some of the takin, and I don't need my old single shot 16 gauge to do it.

"Now, that's the way I see it, and you can tell'em I said so!"

Bascomb Biggers

"The Supreme Court"

DATELINE: 11/16/2011
RE: "The Supreme Court"


I once had the chance to sit in on a hearin before the Supreme Court of the United States of America, and I learned quite a few things that I didn't know. First I learned that there are nine of them, but all of them ain't awake at the same time. There was one who slept through the whole thing (ain't mentionin no names, but some call him CT). The second thing that I learned was that they ain't always polite to the folks speakin to them, cause they keep interuptin with one question after another, sometimes before the one in front of them has even had a chance to answer the first question. Course, I don't mind them bein in-polite much, since the ones standin in front of them is lawyers, and I ain't got much use for lawyers at all.

Now back in 1911 there was a big case before the court involvin the big oil business.
It was Standard Oil vs. the United States. The Chief Justice was a man named Edward Douglass White. Mr. White was from Thibodaux, Louisiana and had been an officer in the Confederate Army during the Civil War, so he couldn't be all bad. He was Chief Justice from 1910 til 1921.
In those days we was all scared of the big corporations takin advantage of the citizens. (sound familiar?) Well the court ruled that Standard Oil could not have the whole U.S. oil business just for themselves., so they had to break up into smaller companies which still controlled more than 75% of the business. These days we got about four big companies controllin most of the oil business, along with about four big banks, and about four big stock market companies. These are of course, controlled by about four million lawyers, and what with most of the Supreme Court Justices bein lawyers themselves, you ain't got much of a chance if you ain't one yourself.

Now you realize that most of them Skunks (Republicans) and Polecats (Democrats) up in DC are lawyers don't you? When I was up in DC watchin the court, there was people scurrin around all over town, and I was wonderin to myself, "how many of them was lawyers?" Just imagine if all lawyers was banned from DC, how deserted would the place be? One thing is for sure, I bet we would get a lot of work done! Vote for Bascomb Biggers for President of these United States of America. I ain't no lawyer.


"Now, that's the way I see it, and you can tell'em I said so!"

Bascomb Biggers
BASCOM BIGGERS FOR PRESIDENT !
PLATFORM PLANK #9-Make Fried Catfish the National Dinner !

"The New Orleans"

DATELINE: 10/20/2011
RE: "The New Orleans"



My daddy used to talk about what a great man Mark Twain was, writin about the mighty Mississippi, and river boats, and all that stuff about Huckleberry Finn. Well it set me to thinkin about how all that got started, and here we are at the 200th anniversary of the first river boat down the Mississippi to New Orleans.

It is the 200th anniversary of the voyage of the steamboat New Orleans. The New Orleans left Pittsburgh, PA on October 20, 1811, and changed the course of the history of the United States as it cruised down the Ohio and Mississippi Rivers, arrivin in New Orleans, LA in January of 1812. Now that ain't a speed record which stands today, since it took more that twelve weeks for the trip, but it is the beginnin of a new era for this country.

Now I don't recollect any politicians being on board, but there probably was a few just for the headlines, and by the way, one of the owners of the boat was an ancestor of them Roosevelts. Now this was a big event and it set the tone for Mark Twain, and the importance of the mighty Mississippi to this country. Of course the government has been tryin to control the river ever since, just like it does everything else.

The government's control of the river ain't been too good after these last couple of centuries, what with there bein quite a number of floods, and a lot of loss of life and money along with it. If you ever wonder if the government would be any good in charge of anything else, just look at their record on the Mississippi river.

The two parties we got up in DC right now (Skunks and Polecats) is just the same as all the ones before them, they want to control everything from the Mississippi river to what kind of light bulbs you use in your house. I say its time for the government to git out of all the business that don't involve protectin the citizens and the borders, and makin the country safe for the people that pay them their wages.

"Now, that's the way I see it, and you can tell'em I said so!"

Bascomb Biggers

"Snakes"

DATELINE: 10/04/2011
RE: "Snakes"


Growin up in the woods around Nankipooh, you learn a thing or two about snakes. Now we got all kinds of snakes around here, and some of them might kill you, while others are just a little aggreavatin, and a few can help out every now and then. We got diamond back rattlers, timber rattlers, pigmy rattlers, cotton mouths, copperheads, and coral snakes. Grandpa Biggers used to say, "Only kill the ones that have got poison, but if you ain't sure, go ahead and kill em anyway." You can always tell your friends, which are the king snakes and the garter snakes.

The best thing to kill a snake with is a hoe, with a sharp blade and at least a six foot handle, so you can keep the snake out of strikin range. You also should not use the same hoe you use to fix hoe cakes with.

I once killed a chicken snake, which looks a little like a rattle snake, except for a round, instead of triangle lookin head. This one had a bluge behind his head and I wasn't sure, so I fetched my hoe and chopped off his head, but it turned out that the buldge was a big old toad he had just swallowed. Well the toad, he hopped out of that snake just as happy as could be, since he figured he was a gonner when he got swallowed. Of course the chicken snake didn't think much of my mistake, since he was dead.

Now you all know we got a bunch of varmits up in DC, belongin to either the Skunk or Polecat party, but we also got quite a few snakes up there too, and you can't always tell which ones got poison, and which ones ain't. Now skunks and polecats, and snakes will all get into the chicken coop and rob you of your eggs, so maybe its time to sharpen up that hoe and commence to choppin heads.

We got a whole bunch up there who don't want to do nothin except lay around all day eatin your eggs, and lie about whether they got poison or not. Now I ain't sayin they are all bad, just most of them, and they ain't doin nothin to solve this country's problems. Well old Bascomb ain't a polecat or a skunk, and he shore ain't a snake. Shoot, I hardly ever eat eggs, and I ain't got enough poison to kill a gnat! The one thing I do have is an honest reputation, and a will to be fair, and do the right thing. So Bascomb is bound to be better in DC than what you got up there right now, besides I need a payin job, and I am willin to work for half of what the Skunks and Polecats are gettin. After all friends, I ain't never lied to you, except for maybe right now.

"Now, that's the way I see it, and you can tell'em I said so!"

Bascomb Biggers

"Bascomb Takes a Stand"

DATELINE: 9/15/2011
RE: "Bascomb takes a Stand"


A lot of folks have been askin me where I stand on the issues, besides hatin all of the lyin Skunks and Polecats up in DC. Well there are three big issues facin the country today.
1. Immigration
2. Money
3. Jobs

Well first let me say that when it comes to our borders, that I believe we should have regular patrols to keep them folks from down in Columbus from sneakin in up here in Nankipooh. I also understand that there has been a few of them Roosevelt Liberals from over in Warm Springs comin over here to our barn dances.

When it comes to the broader issue, I ain't wantin none of them folks from Alabama or Tennessee comin around here neither. Now my kin folks came to Nankipooh from South Carolina a few hundred years ago, so I guess them folks are alright, but we don't want none of them yankees sneakin up here from Florida though.

Now when you start talkin about money, its a tough subject, since most of the folks around Nankipooh ain't got much of it. It seems like the government and the banks got most of the money, and they ain't spreadin it around too much. The big Federal Bank up in DC just keeps givin the littler banks money for free, and they use it to buy up mortgages and other banks. The 1st Nankipooh Bank wouldn't even lend old Bascomb any money to put more stock in the Nankipooh General Store. A bunch of folks around here is tradin with each other, since they ain't got no money, but I understand that the government is tryin to figure out how to put a tax on that too.

Maybe the best thing would be for us to print our own money down here in Nankipooh and not use none of them DC greenbacks. We ain't got none anyway. Course the Skunks and Polecats up in DC won't allow that either, since they are the only ones allowed to print money to pay bills, that they ain't got no money for. So I say let's do away with money and go back to usin gold and silver, or just tradin with one another.

Now the hardest thing is how to come up with some more jobs. Maybe the farmers could take on folks to help them, and teach them how to farm, and then after they have learned, they could give them a little strip of land of their own to farm. Old Bascomb is willin to take on a helper at the Nankipooh General Store and teach him how to be a store keeper in exchange for him runnin the soft drink department on a commission basis.

There is a lot of folks that ain't got a job cause they don't know how to do what people is payin for. Maybe the Mayor of Nankipooh could teach some folks about politics, since there seems to be a lot of work for politicians. It also seems that the government and the banks ought to be hirin since they got all the money. If folks don't work, they can't spend money or pay taxes, and that's what it takes to keep things runnin.

Now the one thing we all got to learn to get through hard times, is that you can't buy things that you ain't got no money for. If you are in debt, you can't borrow your way out of debt, just like you can't dig yourself out of a hole! That goes for folks in Nankipooh as well as the Skunks and Polecats up in DC!

"Now, that's the way I see it, and you can tell'em I said so!"

Bascomb Biggers

"Fish Tales"

DATELINE: 8/19/2011
RE: "Fish Tales"


I was fishin down at the mill pond with my old cajun buddy Beaudreaux the other day, and the fish weren't bitin much, so we started swappin yarns with one another about fishin trips. Now old Beaudreaux is a famous liar from way back, and he can even out lie most any Skunk or Polecat politician from up in DC, and that's sayin a lot!

Well I start out, and I say, "Beaudreaux you remember that big drought we had back in '95? Well it was so hot and dry back then, that one day I was fishin down at the creek, and when I finnaly caught a little scrawney catfish, he had three ticks on his back from being out of the water so much."

"Shoot, that ain't nothin," says Beaudreaux. "Last year me and my cousin Jimbo was out on the bayou doin some frog giggin late at night, and just as I had gigged a frog and was fetchin him into the boat, a big old channel cat jumped up and grabbed that frog and my gig, and made off with the whole lot. When he did, the kerosene lantern got tangled up in the mess, and he fetched it off with him too. Well we couldn't see nothin without no light, since there weren't no moon, so we went on back home."

"The next day me and old Jimbo went back down to the bayou to look for my frog gig, and we come up on the rope I had tied to it, layin in the water up against the bank. Well at least I got my gig back, I says, and I got ahold of that rope and you know what, when I pulled it out of the water there was my frog gig, with the frog still stuck on it, and holdin on to that frog was a twenty pound channel cat. Well looky here! I done got lucky, and I pulled that catfish up out of the water, and you know what? That lantern come up out of the water all tangled up in the rope with the gig! And, do you know what else? It had been so hot and dry that that lantern was still lit!"

Well I knew right then that there was no more use in swappin lies with Beaudreaux! That man could lie his way out of a Lion's den, with a story about a mouse, and an old shoe, but that's one for another day.

The fact is, them old Skunks and Polecats up in DC think they got the market cornered when it comes to lyin, and I got to admit they sure got a fair amount of the votin folks all caught up in their lies. But when it comes to tellin lies, they can't hold a candle to a good old Southern Boy, especially a Cajun!

Now I have done told you before, that you can trust old Bascomb, because I ain't never lied to you, except for maybe right now.



"Now, that's the way I see it, and you can tell'em I said so!"

Bascomb Biggers

"Borrowin Money"

 

DATELINE: 8/08/2011
RE: "Borrowin Money"


The other day I went down to the Nankipooh 1st Bank to see old Lem Barlow the head banker down there, about borrowin some extra money, to help get some more stock for the Nankipooh General Store. Now, I been doin business with old Lem for about forty years now, and him and me has always got along just fine.

Well this time Lem says, "Sorry Bascomb, the bank can't lend you any more money, since you already owe us almost half of what the store brings in every year." So I says, "So what, the boys up in DC just borrowed some more money for the government, and they are in about the same shape as me and the Nankipooh General Store." Well old Lem just leaned back in his chair and started laughin. You ain't the government, Bascomb, and besides you ain't got a printing press to print up more money to pay your bills with!" Now I did have a cousin one time, who had a money printin press, but the T-Men caught him, and now he lives in a big house in Atlanta over on Boulevard Ave.

It seems like these days there is a whole lot of things the government can do which they don't allow us to do. Such as runnin a gamblin business (Lottery), while we can't even run a legal poker game for money, out of our house. Now I don't want to run a poker house or print money, I just want a loan to help me run the Nankipooh General Store. Now, that ain't fixin to happen, you see my credit ratin has done gone down below AAA.

I hate to tell those rascals up in DC, but their ratin with me has done fell below triple F, and I don't feel much like givin them no more money.


"Now, that's the way I see it, and you can tell'em I said so!"

Bascomb Biggers