"Horseshoes"

DATELINE AUGUST 08, 2012:
"Horseshoes"
By: Bascomb Biggers

Every Thursday is horseshoe pitchin day at the Biggers Grocery Store down in Nankipooh, except of course if its rainin, and then we have a checker tournament. The usual players are George Adams, the richest farmer in Nankipooh, my brother in law, Harry Rogers who works for the railroad, and his son Pete, who is also a railroad man, my brother James, the architect, and of course, Old Bascomb. I like pitchin horseshoes on Thursday, since Wednesday is my regular fishin day, and I always got a good fish tale to tell the boys on Thursday.

Well you know in horseshoes, you score points of three for a ringer, two for a leaner, and one for a shoe within a shoe width of the post. I got to thinkin the other day that some of the politicians runnin this country ought to be paid about the same way. That is, of course, if you can find any that are worth payin to begin with. You know ball players get paid based on whether they can hit or pitch, and the better they do, the more money they make. Now politicians usually get paid accordin to how many times they been elected, and I ain't talkin about their salary, cause you know the more times they been in office, the more money they make on the side. I believe that's called "political influence", and the more of that they got, then the more money they can make.

But what if they was paid based on what they do for the people, or even by how little they steal from the taxpayers? For instance if they was to lower the budget for a whole year, then they get a ringer, or three points. If they was to lower taxes, that might be a leaner, and get them two points, and if they don't get caught stealin for a whole year, then they get one point. Well by the end of a year, we might even have a couple of those boys who actually earned a salary. Of course they don't care much if they don't earn any money, cause their real job is gettin elected, and then re-elected. The more times that happens, the more "political influence" they got. And, that goes for both the Skunk and the Polecat Parties. You know, you can't tell-em apart since they both stink.

"Now that's the way I see it , and you can tell-em I said so."
Bascomb Biggers

"Friends"

DATELINE: 7/01/2012
RE: "Friends"
When I was twelve years old the principal at my school give me a whippin for something I didn't do, and I told my daddy that I was never goin to go back to that school ever again. Daddy says "Son if you ain't goin to school, then you are goin to work on the farm like a grown man", and right then I began what was to become sixty years of bein a farmer. It was also then that me and Albert began workin together.

Albert was the grandson of a slave that had worked on my grandpa's farm, and he was the same age as me, and wasn't goin to school no more, since in those days the black folks didn't go to school past seventh grade. Me and Albert already knew each other, and was friends who went fishin and swimmin together. Workin together for fifteen hours a day like men taught us some new lessons about life, like dependin on other folks to get the job done.

One day me and Albert was hoein out in the cotton field when I turned around and saw Mr. Rattlesnake all curled up and gettin ready to bite me. Before I could even blink, Albert had cut that snake's head clean off with his hoe, and sent Mr. Rattlesnake on down the road to glory, and snake heaven, if there is such a place. From then on me and Albert wern't just fishin buddies, we was brothers.

I worked with Albert for more than forty years, and I have never known a better man. He was honest and hard workin, and me and him sweated through some mighty hot summers on the farm down in Nankipooh. One night late, when Albert was comin home from his job as night watchman at the old spinnin mill down in Columbus, he was run over by the train only a mile or so from his home. He was only fifty seven years old. I ain't got over it yet.

One thing I learned from Albert, was how to tell a good man from a bad one, and how to trust a good man and call him your friend, when you do find one. In this world we are livin in today, it is gettin harder to find good men, so you better hold on to any you do find. It is even harder to find a good man among politicians, so if you do find one, you better send him up to DC. Most of the time we have to choose between two bad ones, and send the better of the two up there, and hope they won't steal as much of our money as the other one would have.

"Now, That's the way I see it, and you can tell'em I said so."
Bascomb Biggers

"Testimonial"

DATELINE: 5/16/2012
RE: "Testimonial"

The following is a statement from a Bascomb Biggers supporter.

"The President and the Democrats are succeeding again in dividing and distracting the American public by pandering to minorities, and raising emotional issues which have nothing to do with solving the economic crisis in America today, The President has been so unsuccessful in coming up with solutions, that all he can offer is distractions.

Whether it be scaring seniors over Social Security, turning blacks against the bad white man, pitting the poor against the rich, or the latest, turning gays and other emotional folks against those fascist Republicans, it is working.

Meanwhile the Republican candidate is still searching for his personality.

While Americans focus on Abortion, Same Sex Marriage, The Evil Rich and Capitalism, Racial Conflict and a host of other "Hot Bed" issues, the true problems of the country like, Huge National Debt, Sky-Rocketing Energy Costs, and Unemployment are not addressed.

The only answer is Bascomb Biggers for President!"...nb

"Now, That's the way I see it, and you can tell'em I said so."

Bascomb Biggers

BASCOMB BIGGERS FOR PRESIDENT !
PLATFORM PLANK #9-Make Fried Catfish the National Dinner

"The Man from Nankipooh"

DATELINE: 4/10/2012
RE: "The Man From Nankipooh"


Well a lotta folks have been askin me what the difference is between the Skunks and the Polecats, and I can tell you that about the only difference is the way they want to spend the money that they steal from you. Other than that, they both stink! Now that brings me to another question, now that we are down to one Skunk and one Polecat to go up against the man from Nankipooh. What is the difference between a "Flip-flopper" and a "Flop"?

Well, you see, one has changed his stand so many times, that you ain't real sure what exactly it is that he stands for, other than wantin to be elected. The other ain't changed his stripes much, other than lyin about his record, but the record in truth is a complete failure at doin anything other than spendin your money. Of course, there are a few Skunks left who won't admit that they are finished, but you can put a fork in-em, cause they are done.

It reminds me of a fishin trip awhile back, when me and Clem Patterson was fishin on the Standing Boy Creek up near Mulberry Grove. Well you see me and Clem had a bet goin as to who was goin to catch the most fish that day, with the winner gettin a bucket of beer from the other one. By five o'clock I had done caught seventeen bluegill to Clem's four, but he just wouldn't give it up. So he says, "I will go you double or nothin, that I catch a bigger fish than you before six o'clock".

Well right after that, I caught a bluegill that must have weighed a pound and a half, which was a really big one for that little creek. But old Clem he just wouldn't give it up, and then about five minutes before six, he got a bite that just about pulled that cane pole right out of his hands. "I got you now, Bascomb", he says as he struggles to land that mighty fish. Well he finally drug it up to the bank, and it turns out it wasn't a fish at all, but a big old three or four pound snappin turtle. Of course, old Clem claimed that it counted even if it wasn't a fish, and I argued that we was fishin not turtlin, and so nobody got a beer, and me and Clem have been arguin about that day ever since.

That's kinda what this election seems to be all about, with nobody bein able to agree what the contest is really about, except they all want to win, and get a taste of your money. The truth is though, that this is about fixin what's broke about our country, so most of the money needs to go toward that, and that's just what old Bascomb wants to do. We got some serious business to take care of here, so we better get to doin it instead of arguin about who gets to count the money!

"Now, That's the way I see it, and you can tell'em I said so."

Bascomb Biggers

"The County Commissioner"

DATELINE: 3/14/2012
RE: "The County Commissioner"


I been thinkin a lot about all the political shenanigans we been watchin lately, and it reminded me of old Dub Johnston when he ran for County Commissioner down here in Nankipooh. Now Dub had moved into Nankipooh about fifteen years before, when he bought old man Robertson's Feed and Grain. Dub was a likable man mainly cause he was the one always buyin the drinks, or pickin up the tab down at the cafe. In fact his favorite sayin was "I got money I ain't even spent yet".

Well a few years ago Dub decided that he was gonna run for County Commissioner, and he commenced a campaign like we ain't never seen in these parts before. He was givin speeches where ever there was more than three people, and sponsorin things like pie eatin contests to drum up a crowd. He was also makin promises to give folks things from the county for free, like gradin their driveway, or promisin a county job like deputy sheriff. He even offered one old boy the county dog catcher job. It got to the point that he would offer up most anything to get your vote.

Well not too long after Dub won the election people started wantin to collect on those campaign promises, and that's when things got a little ticklish. You see the county only had one deputy sheriff and Dub had promised the job to more than a dozen. It turns out that there was no county dog catcher, nor the money to pay one either. It also seems that about fifty people expected to get their driveways graded, but the county could only do about five or six a year. This, of course stirred up a lot of anger, and before you could say scat, the voters had voted for a recall of old Dub, and would not even shop at his Feed and Grain any more, and Dub ended up havin to leave the county.

Well I learned a big lesson here, and that was that if you promise folks something, you better be able to give something to at least some of them, or you might have to move out of the county. So, old Bascomb has decided not to promise anything to anybody, and that way nobody is mad at you, and you can stay put where you want to. So you just listen to what those Skunks and Polecats from up in DC are promising and figure for yourself whether they can pay off or not.

"Now, That's the way I see it, and you can tell'em I said so."

Bascomb Biggers

BASCOMB BIGGERS FOR PRESIDENT !
PLATFORM PLANK #9-Make Fried Catfish the National Dinner

"The Shell Game"

DATELINE: 2/14/2012
RE: "The Shell Game"


When I was a young man a small carnival passed through Nankipooh, and we was all excited about things like havin a Gypsy tell our fortune, and getin to see an elephant. One of the things I remember most was a man with three walnut shells and a green pea, and for a quarter, you got to guess which shell the pea was under. Of course that's hard to do even if the game is honest, but if it ain't, then you got no chance at all of winnin.

Well folks, we got a shell game of sorts goin on right now in the good old USA, and it is effectin everybody, includin the folks down here in Nankipooh. You see the name of the shell game is distraction, so that you take your eye off of the pea. Lets say we got three shells, the National Economy, Unemployment, and all the big Social Issues, and the pea is your money.

While the government is distractin you with those three big shells, your money is dissapearin just as fast as that pea bein palmed by the carnival man. Take the way the Federal Reserve is givin your tax money free to the banks, and then they turn around and loan it to you for three to five percent interest. Now if you are lucky enough to have any extra money to save back, the bank won't pay you more than one percent to keep it for you, and why should they, when they can get money to loan for free from the federal bank.

Now I ain't much for math, but figure this. If you was lucky enough to have $10,000 extra money, like that Skunk Candidate who was willin to make a bet for $10,000, and you put that money in the bank, if you was lucky you would get 1% interest. At the end of one year, you would have made $100. Of course, last year the inflation rate was 3% so your original $10,000 is only worth $9700 plus the $100, so you now got $9800. Don't forget though, that Uncle Sam wants taxes on the $100 in interest, which is about $20, so what you really got is $9780.

Meanwhile the bank loaned out your money at 5% interest to your neighbor Silas Jones, and they made $500 off of him for the year. So the bank made money, and so did the government, but you and Silas are just gettin deeper in the hole. This ain't gonna stop till the federal bank stops givin the banks money for free, so they don't have to pay you anything for usin your money. That's why Mr. Thomas Jefferson was against a big National Bank two hundred years ago, because he knew what would happen, and it has!

The big question is, how long are you goin to be distracted by big banks, big government, and professional politicans? If you don't get your eye on that pea, and your money, there won't be nothin left in a few more years. Wake Up America! No more Skunks and Polecats stealin you money, let's make a change. Vote for the man from Nankipooh, he won't steal near as much, and will let you get a little bit ahead. It would be like havin a man with a shotgun guardin your henhouse, so the Skunks and Polecats don't get all the eggs. You could also take him with you when the carnival comes to town so that the pea don't end up in the palm of the man runnin the shell game.

"Now, That's the way I see it, and you can tell'em I said so."
Bascomb Biggers

Professional Fools

DATELINE: 1/23/2012
RE: "Professional Fools"


It sure has been fun sittin around down here in Nankipooh watchin the professional politicians make fools of themselves. This Presidential election has got to be just about the most confusin one this country, and Old Bascomb have ever seen. The Skunks and Polecats parties couldn't put on a better show, if they was P.T. Barnum and Mr. Baily themselves, with a whole tent full of clowns, which is of course is just another name for fools.

Now, you know, Old Bascomb has tossed his hat into the ring for President, but I never knew that it was goin to be a three ring circus. Why, a man could grow old and die, just waitin for the dust to settle, and see who the final choice for Skunk and Polecat will be to go up against the man from Nankipooh.

Just for a re-cap, let's see what we got here. First we got a man sittin in the White House who ain't never seen a dollar he didn't want to spend. The fools in the Skunk Party figured this would be an easy chance for them to go up against the man sittin there, and they started out with a whole bunch of challengers, who very shortly commenced to chasin their own tails. When they got tired of that, they started chasin each other's tails. You had several of them who have had a hard time keepin their pants zipped up, and most of the rest don't know when to zip up their mouth. All in all, its been a pretty good show so far.

Now the Polecats have been mostly just sittin and watchin, and besides enjoyin the show, they been lookin pretty much like a coyote watchin a prarie dog, and waitin for dinner. Course while they been watching, they been gobblin up dollars faster than a black mouse eatin cheese on a white floor. I guess they figure that if they don't hold on to the White House next year, it won't matter much, since they will have done got all the money they can carry off anyways.

This is of course has got the Skunk party kinda worried, since they didn't get their fill the last time they was in charge, and the Polecats have done took stealin money from the voters to a new all time high. Now my friends this might make you ask the question, "what's in it for Old Bascomb?", and I'm gonna tell you. All I want is a full time job, and a chance to cut back on stealin the taxpayer's money to a reasonable level. I figure about half of what the professional politicians are gettin right now would be about right.

You see I believe we can run the government on a whole lot less money, and the Skunks and Polecats can still fill their pockets, while leavin a little left over for doin the work of the country, which means a little bit for you, the taxpayers. After all, you are the ones payin the bill, and Old Bascomb only wants a fair day's wage for a fair day's work, so I see the job of President as being kinda like a guard on the henhouse, so that the Skunks and the Polecats don't get all the eggs. Oh, and I do want to make Fried Catfish the National Dinner, with enough Hush Puppies for everyone!

"Now, That's the way I see it, and you can tell'em I said so."

Bascomb Biggers