"Snakes"

DATELINE: 10/04/2011
RE: "Snakes"


Growin up in the woods around Nankipooh, you learn a thing or two about snakes. Now we got all kinds of snakes around here, and some of them might kill you, while others are just a little aggreavatin, and a few can help out every now and then. We got diamond back rattlers, timber rattlers, pigmy rattlers, cotton mouths, copperheads, and coral snakes. Grandpa Biggers used to say, "Only kill the ones that have got poison, but if you ain't sure, go ahead and kill em anyway." You can always tell your friends, which are the king snakes and the garter snakes.

The best thing to kill a snake with is a hoe, with a sharp blade and at least a six foot handle, so you can keep the snake out of strikin range. You also should not use the same hoe you use to fix hoe cakes with.

I once killed a chicken snake, which looks a little like a rattle snake, except for a round, instead of triangle lookin head. This one had a bluge behind his head and I wasn't sure, so I fetched my hoe and chopped off his head, but it turned out that the buldge was a big old toad he had just swallowed. Well the toad, he hopped out of that snake just as happy as could be, since he figured he was a gonner when he got swallowed. Of course the chicken snake didn't think much of my mistake, since he was dead.

Now you all know we got a bunch of varmits up in DC, belongin to either the Skunk or Polecat party, but we also got quite a few snakes up there too, and you can't always tell which ones got poison, and which ones ain't. Now skunks and polecats, and snakes will all get into the chicken coop and rob you of your eggs, so maybe its time to sharpen up that hoe and commence to choppin heads.

We got a whole bunch up there who don't want to do nothin except lay around all day eatin your eggs, and lie about whether they got poison or not. Now I ain't sayin they are all bad, just most of them, and they ain't doin nothin to solve this country's problems. Well old Bascomb ain't a polecat or a skunk, and he shore ain't a snake. Shoot, I hardly ever eat eggs, and I ain't got enough poison to kill a gnat! The one thing I do have is an honest reputation, and a will to be fair, and do the right thing. So Bascomb is bound to be better in DC than what you got up there right now, besides I need a payin job, and I am willin to work for half of what the Skunks and Polecats are gettin. After all friends, I ain't never lied to you, except for maybe right now.

"Now, that's the way I see it, and you can tell'em I said so!"

Bascomb Biggers

"Bascomb Takes a Stand"

DATELINE: 9/15/2011
RE: "Bascomb takes a Stand"


A lot of folks have been askin me where I stand on the issues, besides hatin all of the lyin Skunks and Polecats up in DC. Well there are three big issues facin the country today.
1. Immigration
2. Money
3. Jobs

Well first let me say that when it comes to our borders, that I believe we should have regular patrols to keep them folks from down in Columbus from sneakin in up here in Nankipooh. I also understand that there has been a few of them Roosevelt Liberals from over in Warm Springs comin over here to our barn dances.

When it comes to the broader issue, I ain't wantin none of them folks from Alabama or Tennessee comin around here neither. Now my kin folks came to Nankipooh from South Carolina a few hundred years ago, so I guess them folks are alright, but we don't want none of them yankees sneakin up here from Florida though.

Now when you start talkin about money, its a tough subject, since most of the folks around Nankipooh ain't got much of it. It seems like the government and the banks got most of the money, and they ain't spreadin it around too much. The big Federal Bank up in DC just keeps givin the littler banks money for free, and they use it to buy up mortgages and other banks. The 1st Nankipooh Bank wouldn't even lend old Bascomb any money to put more stock in the Nankipooh General Store. A bunch of folks around here is tradin with each other, since they ain't got no money, but I understand that the government is tryin to figure out how to put a tax on that too.

Maybe the best thing would be for us to print our own money down here in Nankipooh and not use none of them DC greenbacks. We ain't got none anyway. Course the Skunks and Polecats up in DC won't allow that either, since they are the only ones allowed to print money to pay bills, that they ain't got no money for. So I say let's do away with money and go back to usin gold and silver, or just tradin with one another.

Now the hardest thing is how to come up with some more jobs. Maybe the farmers could take on folks to help them, and teach them how to farm, and then after they have learned, they could give them a little strip of land of their own to farm. Old Bascomb is willin to take on a helper at the Nankipooh General Store and teach him how to be a store keeper in exchange for him runnin the soft drink department on a commission basis.

There is a lot of folks that ain't got a job cause they don't know how to do what people is payin for. Maybe the Mayor of Nankipooh could teach some folks about politics, since there seems to be a lot of work for politicians. It also seems that the government and the banks ought to be hirin since they got all the money. If folks don't work, they can't spend money or pay taxes, and that's what it takes to keep things runnin.

Now the one thing we all got to learn to get through hard times, is that you can't buy things that you ain't got no money for. If you are in debt, you can't borrow your way out of debt, just like you can't dig yourself out of a hole! That goes for folks in Nankipooh as well as the Skunks and Polecats up in DC!

"Now, that's the way I see it, and you can tell'em I said so!"

Bascomb Biggers

"Fish Tales"

DATELINE: 8/19/2011
RE: "Fish Tales"


I was fishin down at the mill pond with my old cajun buddy Beaudreaux the other day, and the fish weren't bitin much, so we started swappin yarns with one another about fishin trips. Now old Beaudreaux is a famous liar from way back, and he can even out lie most any Skunk or Polecat politician from up in DC, and that's sayin a lot!

Well I start out, and I say, "Beaudreaux you remember that big drought we had back in '95? Well it was so hot and dry back then, that one day I was fishin down at the creek, and when I finnaly caught a little scrawney catfish, he had three ticks on his back from being out of the water so much."

"Shoot, that ain't nothin," says Beaudreaux. "Last year me and my cousin Jimbo was out on the bayou doin some frog giggin late at night, and just as I had gigged a frog and was fetchin him into the boat, a big old channel cat jumped up and grabbed that frog and my gig, and made off with the whole lot. When he did, the kerosene lantern got tangled up in the mess, and he fetched it off with him too. Well we couldn't see nothin without no light, since there weren't no moon, so we went on back home."

"The next day me and old Jimbo went back down to the bayou to look for my frog gig, and we come up on the rope I had tied to it, layin in the water up against the bank. Well at least I got my gig back, I says, and I got ahold of that rope and you know what, when I pulled it out of the water there was my frog gig, with the frog still stuck on it, and holdin on to that frog was a twenty pound channel cat. Well looky here! I done got lucky, and I pulled that catfish up out of the water, and you know what? That lantern come up out of the water all tangled up in the rope with the gig! And, do you know what else? It had been so hot and dry that that lantern was still lit!"

Well I knew right then that there was no more use in swappin lies with Beaudreaux! That man could lie his way out of a Lion's den, with a story about a mouse, and an old shoe, but that's one for another day.

The fact is, them old Skunks and Polecats up in DC think they got the market cornered when it comes to lyin, and I got to admit they sure got a fair amount of the votin folks all caught up in their lies. But when it comes to tellin lies, they can't hold a candle to a good old Southern Boy, especially a Cajun!

Now I have done told you before, that you can trust old Bascomb, because I ain't never lied to you, except for maybe right now.



"Now, that's the way I see it, and you can tell'em I said so!"

Bascomb Biggers

"Borrowin Money"

 

DATELINE: 8/08/2011
RE: "Borrowin Money"


The other day I went down to the Nankipooh 1st Bank to see old Lem Barlow the head banker down there, about borrowin some extra money, to help get some more stock for the Nankipooh General Store. Now, I been doin business with old Lem for about forty years now, and him and me has always got along just fine.

Well this time Lem says, "Sorry Bascomb, the bank can't lend you any more money, since you already owe us almost half of what the store brings in every year." So I says, "So what, the boys up in DC just borrowed some more money for the government, and they are in about the same shape as me and the Nankipooh General Store." Well old Lem just leaned back in his chair and started laughin. You ain't the government, Bascomb, and besides you ain't got a printing press to print up more money to pay your bills with!" Now I did have a cousin one time, who had a money printin press, but the T-Men caught him, and now he lives in a big house in Atlanta over on Boulevard Ave.

It seems like these days there is a whole lot of things the government can do which they don't allow us to do. Such as runnin a gamblin business (Lottery), while we can't even run a legal poker game for money, out of our house. Now I don't want to run a poker house or print money, I just want a loan to help me run the Nankipooh General Store. Now, that ain't fixin to happen, you see my credit ratin has done gone down below AAA.

I hate to tell those rascals up in DC, but their ratin with me has done fell below triple F, and I don't feel much like givin them no more money.


"Now, that's the way I see it, and you can tell'em I said so!"

Bascomb Biggers

"Retirement"

DATELINE: 7/25/2011
RE: "Retirement"


I was sittin down at the Nankipooh General Store the other day playin checkers with my cousin Pete on one of those plus ninety degree Nankipooh summer days, when in comes my cousin Jimmy lookin just about whipped. Old Jimmy picked up a mason jar of sweet tea and downed it in just about one gulp. "What's up Jimmy?", I says. "My old mule Jenny just dropped dead in the traces while I was plowin out back of the house", he says. I guess it was time for her to "retire" he says.

Now that started me thinkin about retirement, which ain't that far off for old Bascomb. Of course that little dab of money I got saved up for retirement ain't much, and these days its worth less than it was, what with the Skunks and the Polecats spendin money they ain't got, and printin more to cover for it. The bank pays me less for my savins account than the rate of inflation, and yet the DC politicians keep givin the banks more money, and they keep gettin richer and richer. If they ain't got enough, the big Federal bank will loan them more at no interest. Lets see you borrow money and pay no interest!

They say there is more than one way to skin a cat, and I reckon that the Shunks and the Polecats got all the ways figured out, when it comes to the big guys gettin richer and the little guys gettin poorer. All they got to do is keep some of the folk's heads above water, so they can keep squeezin enough money out of them to keep themselves and the fat cats rollin. Of course sooner or later, you can't squeeze no more out of that turnip, but they can't see that far down the road. They just want to keep runnin up the debt till everything comes fallin down.

Now I ain't tryin to make you feel low, it just seems that old Bascomb and a lot of others ain't goin to find retirement till we fall dead behind the plow, just like old Jenny.  The only thing I know to do is keep throwin the Skunks and Polecats out of office, till we get a batch that will stop spendin money they ain't got!

"Now, that's the way I see it, and you can tell'em I said so!"
Bascomb Biggers

"100 Years Ago"

DATELINE: 7/18/2011
RE: "100 Years Ago"


In 1911 things was real different from what they are now, but a lotta things was pretty much the same. For instance, if you look at a couple of headlines from 1911, you see that folks was fightin over Libya just like they are today. Also in 1911 the U.S. Government was tryin to take some of the power away from the big oil companies, which they claim to have been doin for the last 100 years. Of course things got a lot better when Jimmy Carter was President about 35 years ago, and created the U. S. Department of Energy to study on how to reduce American dependence on foreign oil. That really worked!

Here is those Headlines.

1911 Tripolitan War -(9/28/11) The Italians declared war on Turkey in September. The Italians were interested in annexing Libya, the only available land in North Africa. All of the European powers opposed the action, but none were sufficiently motivated to take any action. The Italians expected the war to be brief, but it took them over a year to achieve victory against stiff opposition.

1911 Standard Oil Broken-(5/15/11) In the largest and most viable anti-trust case in American history to date, the Standard Oil Company of New Jersey was ordered to divest itself of its 37 interlocking firms. An appeal to the Supreme Court was turned down.

There you go, history keeps repeatin itself, and the DC politicians still say they are workin hard to make things better for us! What I don't understand is how so many of the voters keep gettin fooled over and over by the same old lies. It don't matter who is tellin the lies neither. It could have been the Whigs or the Tories, the Grangers or the Bull Moose, the Republicans or the Democrats, or the Skunks or the Polecats, its all the same manure, just a different spreader.

When the American Voter realizes that a politician's only fear is losin his office, then maybe we can start to get somewhere. That's why you need to vote for Bascomb Biggers. Why not? You been swallowin all that horse manure for more than 100 years, and the only thing that has changed, is that things keep gittin worse. Course, we could keep on waitin until there ain't no money left, and then the Skunks and the Polecats wouldn't want their jobs no more.

I don't promise nothin, except to try to help myself to an honest paycheck, for an honest day's wage, and look out for you where ever I can. Don't forget, I ain't never lied to you, except maybe, for right now.

"Now, that's the way I see it, and you can tell'em I said so!"

Bascomb Biggers

"Summer Politics"

DATELINE: 7/07/2011
RE: "Summer Politics"


It sure is hot down here in Nankipooh, what with the thermometer being ninety and above for about two months now. That and all the hot air being put out by all these politicians lying about what they are gonna do if you was to elect them. Of course the Republicans (Skunks) and the Democrats (Polecats) is raisin a big ruckus over the Presidential Election even though its more than a year and a half off. Its done got so hot down here with all this goin on, that the chickens are fryin their own eggs, and the bacon is sizzlin on the back of the hogs down by the trough!

Now of course the mayor of Nankipooh ain't runnin cause he got elected last year, but he sure is tryin to let on about how he ain't got nothin to do with the Polecat up in the big office up in DC. The local county commissioner is runnin this year though, you can always tell because he came by my Grandpa's store and asked Grandpa if he wanted a work gang to come by and grade the driveway. This happens every other year about six months before the election.

Now I hate to toot my own horn, but don't forget that old Bascomb has his hat in the ring for the big election a year and a half from now. The Polecats are stuck with a loser, and they know it too. Their only chance is to cloud up the air so much that you won't notice how sorry they are. Now the Skunks ain't got much to offer neither. They got about two dozen candidates, of which none of them got much support other than to get the Polecat out of office. About the best they can say is they won't raise taxes, and you know politicians always lie about that.

Meanwhile the economy is sinkin faster that Mama's Angel Food Cake in the stove, after cousin Al slammed the door last night when he come in with some fresh strawberries he had just picked. The number of folks out of work is still bigger than Grandma's bustle, and if you want a good job, you have to move to South Dakota and work for the government.

Now a vote for Bascomb Biggers won't change much of that, but it sure would make me feel better. I ain't had a good payin job in quite a spell, and you know that I will be honest with you, since I ain't never lied to you, except, of course, for right now. I do promise to do something about this heat though. I promise to turn off the Global Warming as soon as I am elected. It ought to be a little cooler in November anyway.

"Now, that's the way I see it, and you can tell'em I said so!"


Bascomb Biggers